The CartoonStock Caption Contest #163

Hulk smash . . . the CartoonStock Caption Contest #163. Let's go over how this new monthly cash prize contest works: $5 buys up to three entries and no more. Real cash prizes are $500 for first place and $100 for each of five runners up. As of this writing, I've spent $40 over the first eight contests and I managed to win $200, making it my most successful investment of the past year. So here goes another $5. I've done well in part because so few people enter. My three new entries are shown below. The full-color drawing of the Hulk at home is by Christopher Weyant.

"Our home repair bills are up another 400 percent."
"He may be puny, but Bruce is better in bed."
"That Mrs. Von Doom snubbed me again. It would be a shame if her Bentley got smashed."

February 20, 2023 Update:  The Winner

"I don't know why I even bother to talk politics with you." 

—Christopher Weyant, original caption

In other news, not one of my captions was selected by any of the four judges:

Caption Contest Deliberations

04223

The CartoonStock Caption Contest #162

It's time to disrupt the CartoonStock Caption Contest #162. To recap, here's how the new cash prize contest works: $5 buys three and only three entries. Real cash prizes are $500 for first place and $100 for each of the five runners up. As of this writing, I've invested $40 over eight contests and I managed to win $100 from one of these outings. So far the math is good for contestants and bad for CartoonStock. Few enough people enter that the odds are favorable even for an indifferent captioner like me. My three new entries are shown below at the top of the list; the lower captions were written by me but, on due consideration, withheld. The drawing of conference room chaos is by John Klossner.

"Were we expecting corporate raiders?"
"Ah! They've finally elected a Speaker."
"We've got to find a better doorman."
* * *
"Can I assume we'll be working through lunch again?"
"I tried to tell them you weren't in."
"Your three o'clock is early."
"They want to cash in their stock options."
"They're not here to negotiate."
"The union is getting militant."

January 22, 2023 Update:  The Winner

https://www.cartoonstock.com/caption-contest/winners

My doorman caption is first mentioned in the contest deliberations by Bob Mankoff during minute 18 and it is chosen as a runner up in minute 31.

Contest #162 Deliberations

Eight-time New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest winner Lawrence Wood had this to say about my entry in his Caption Contest Commentary:

https://www.cartoonstock.com/blog/viking-office-caption-contest-commentary-with-lawrence-wood/

This is my second payout in the new cash prize contest. It's the twenty-first time Larry Wood cited a caption of mine in his commentary.

04195

The CartoonStock Caption Contest #161

There's something magical about the CartoonStock Caption Contest #161. To recap, here's how the contest works: $5 buys you three entries. Real cash prizes are $500 for first place and $100 for each of the five runners up. As of this writing, I've invested $35 in this my seventh pay contest and I managed to win $100 on the previous outing. Odds remain good for now while few people enter. My three new entries are shown below at the top of the list; the lower captions were considered by me but ultimately not entered. The drawing of an onstage rabbit abandoned mid-act in a magician's hat is by Avi Steinberg.

"Did all you federal agents really think you could outsmart the greatest magician of our time?"
"But he promised not to go to Aruba without me!"
"Never mind him. It's a snug hat and you don't want to know where the dove is."
* * *
"I need a volunteer from the audience eager to adopt a performing pet."
"His last words were 'Rabbits make such loving pets.'"

December 21, 2022 Update:  The Winner

January 22, 2023 Update:  The contest deliberations have been posted on YouTube.

Contest #161 Deliberations

04167

The CartoonStock Caption Contest #160

Some might say I'm not fit enough to enter the CartoonStock Caption Contest #160, but all it really takes is a credit card. Here's how the contest works: Three entries cost $5. Real cash prizes are $500 for first place and $100 for each of the five runners up. As of this writing, I've invested $30 in this my sixth contest, with no success whatsoever to report in the first five. My three entries are shown below at the top of the list; the lower captions were considered but not entered. The drawing is unsigned, but I'm going to guess it's by Jeremy Nguyen.

"My housekeeper hates me."
"I don't date."
"Mostly I sleep at my desk."
***
"I can't go to bed drunk."
"I always go to bed sober."
"I avoid fluids after 8."
"I'm looking for a twice-a-day spotter."
"My girlfriend wanted more excitement."
"My housekeepers keep leaving me."
"My housekeeper keeps charging me more."
"In the back, there's a slide."
"My dates have to pass a fitness test."
"I wear sneakers to bed."
"I believe in the reward system."
"I date only Division 1 athletes."
"I'm going to put in an elevator."
"It seemed like a good idea."
"That's just for show. I have a sleeping bag."

November 26, 2022 Update:  The Winner

There is some icing on the cake as well. Eight-time New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest winner Lawrence Wood included all three of my captions in his commentary, a first:

To update the accounting, I am now $70 ahead on this contest so at last I'm playing with the house's money.

04139

The CartoonStock Caption Contest #159

I haven't a clue about the CartoonStock Caption Contest #159. There's real money riding on this. Three entries cost $5. The cash prizes are $500 for first place and $100 for each of the five runners up. As of now, I've invested $25 in this contest, with no success whatsoever in the first four contests. The criminally-minded drawing is by Lars Kenseth.

"Maybe the killer didn't sneak in through the cat door."
"The thief must know how to stay under the radar."
"We're going to need a bigger jail."

Maybe I should have closed that first entry with "after all." These captions didn't follow proper police procedure and were not submitted:

"There goes my theory that the killer was a jockey."
"No wonder the thief couldn't find the miniatures."
"This guy is all thumbs."
"This really complicates the lineup."

October 25, 2022 Update:  The Winner

04111

The CartoonStock Caption Contest #158

Why not pour ourselves another drink and settle down with the CartoonStock Caption Contest #158? My three entries cost me $5—a steal! Cash prizes are set at $500 for first place and $100 for each of five runners up. So far I've invested $20 in this contest and I'm keeping a tally. The cinematic drawing is by Tom Chitty.

"The G.O.P is clueless on rebranding."
"No planes—maybe we're both just wasted."
"It's innovative all right, but I prefer the classics."

September 27, 2022 Update:  The Winner

04083

The CartoonStock Caption Contest #157

The rules have changed once again for the CartoonStock Caption Contest #157. It still costs $5 to enter three captions. Cash prizes are now $500 for first place and $100 each for five runners up. The drawing is by Jon Adams.

"Would it kill them to write us into the Marvel Universe?"
"Apparently no one is too big to fail."
"We would have a complementary sushi bar in Tokyo."

These captions were too small-minded:

"Exactly. It's the pictures that got small."
"Damn Marvel Comics."
"How did the Marshmallow Man get in here?"

August 30, 2022 Update:  Lawrence Wood, now the eight-time winner of The New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest, had a lot to say about my second entry, but it still did not make it into the top six:

https://www.cartoonstock.com/blog/movie-monster-support-group-caption-contest-commentary-with-lawrence-wood/

 

Hmm... It seems I should have tried entering that first of my rejected captions.

Then Wood brings up my non-winning caption again:

The Winner:

04055

The CartoonStock Caption Contest #156

The CartoonStock Caption Contest #156 is now the company's second competition that is pay-to-play. As before, five dollars gets you three entries and a chance at a $1,000 cash prize. Statistics tells us one needs a better than 1-in-200 chance of winning in order to make entering such a contest worthwhile. Surely, the uncharacteristic difficulty of the first two contests is discouraging potential entries, improving the odds for those few who do enter. Like many caption contestants, I remain certain that I have a better than 1-in-200 shot at this, but the fact of the matter is that in the first 155 contests I have failed to win a single one. It would be unwise to get my hopes up. The drawing is by Ellis Rosen.

"Best production of 'Death of a Salesman' ever."
"He never wanted to be known as Burning Dan."
"Shouldn't we beware of geeks burning gifts?"

August 3, 2022 Update:  The Winner

04027

The CartoonStock Caption Contest #155

The CartoonStock Caption Contest #155 is the first from the company that is pay-to-play. Five dollars gets you three entries and a chance at a single $1,000 cash prize. CartoonStock's basic business problem with the caption contest is that it is a recurring expense that brings in little or no licensing revenue. Therefore the frequency has been halved and halved again, making the contest feel less and less relevant. The answer is to try to generate enough revenue from those playing the contest to cover expenses, and to generate more interest in the contest from the significant prize money. The new calculation for caption contestants is that it isn't worth entering the contest unless one is convinced one has a better than 1-in-200 chance of winning. Fortunately for CartoonStock, most of us caption writers are delusional about how funny our entries are. To wit, my three sidesplittingly hilarious entries are shown below. The drawing is by Shannon Wheeler.

"There's nothing to do. Next time we'll go to your place."
"We're raising him without religion."
"We're all so unflappable."

These captions didn't take wing:

"Where do you suppose they learned to be so complacent?"
"There's just not much to do on a playdate in purgatory."
"It took us many years to learn to do nothing."
"I thought there would be more to do in hell."
"Since when do we let them play with brimstone?"
"See? Good and evil CAN coexist."

July 9, 2022 Update:  The Winner

So, were my chances greater than 1:200? Evidently, everybody's were. Fewer than 150 people entered, meaning the first cash prize contest operated at a loss. It's not surprising that so few entered given the difficulty of this particular contest. Why put good money on such a long shot? Mathematically, though, I suppose my own odds were better than most, since Lawrence Wood, seven-time New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest winner, went out of his way to (mis)quote mine in his Caption Contest Commentary. I don't think the celebrated captioner's unintended edit made it any better.

https://www.cartoonstock.com/blog/demonic-playdate-caption-contest-commentary-with-lawrence-wood/

04001

The CartoonStock Caption Contest #154

In a new disappointment, the CartoonStock Caption Contest #154 seems to have ended prematurely, an example of the brand's all-too-frequent carelessness. A new contest, now with a thousand dollar prize, is announced for June 7, an unprecedented reward but also an unprecedented delay. My last-minute entries planned for this month never got polished or submitted; only two of my anticipated three entries are shown below. The drawing is by Kaamran Hafeez.

"No, I've never fixed one of these. Before the apocalypse, I worked for Maytag."
"I heard you were having some trouble with it, so I brought over my tool."

June 23, 2022 Update:  The Winner

03966

The CartoonStock Caption Contest #152

Once again, we had a full four weeks to come up with entries for the CartoonStock Caption Contest #152. How did I spend all that time? It's hard to say. I started working on my entries fifteen minutes before the deadline, and I probably submitted the third and final caption too late. The drawing, a good one, is by Meredith Southard.

"Who's afraid of Bruno Bettelheim?"
"I used to be a huntswoman."
"If you don't like the story, rewrite the ending."

May 28, 2022 Update:  In his Caption Contest Commentary, Lawrence Wood mentions my third caption, so it wasn't submitted too late after all! This is the seventeenth time the esteemed captioner has mentioned one of my entries, so that averages to about one shout out for every nine caption contests.

https://www.cartoonstock.com/blog/grandma-and-the-wolf-caption-contest-commentary-with-lawrence-wood/

The Winner:

03939

The CartoonStock Caption Contest #151

You might think having a four-week contest would have helped me to write entries for the CartoonStock Caption Contest #151. My three captions, shown below, prove that did not happen. The drawing is by Kaamran Hafeez.

"Would you like to be my life coach?"
"What does the weather app say?"
"You're lucky. I could never text and walk."

April 27, 2022 Update:  The Winner

May 28, 2022 Update:  The runners-up have been revised, apparently. What gives, CartoonStock?

03920

The CartoonStock Caption Contest #150

I wanted to write some heavenly entries for the CartoonStock Caption Contest #150. My three captions are shown below. The drawing is by Sarah Morrissette.

"Where the hell have you been?"
"Sorry about the backlog."
"Once again, either surrender the club or go back to the end of the line."

April 17, 2022 Update:  The Winner

03892

The CartoonStock Caption Contest #149

I hope I didn't slip up on my entries in the CartoonStock Caption Contest #149. My three captions are shown below. The drawing is by Shannon Wheeler.

"Either it's gigantic or I don't understand perspective."
"It's not big for a canoe."
"That's not how I remember the Monolith."

March 14, 2022 Update:  The Winner

03878

The CartoonStock Caption Contest #148

I might have to take a little heat for my entries in the CartoonStock Caption Contest #148. My captions are shown below. The cave drawing is by Mick Stevens.

"Let's not ruin it by inventing a smoke alarm."
"Care to come over to my wall?"
"Who knew we could fit everything into a studio?"

February 15, 2022 Update:  My first caption was noted by Lawrence Wood in his Caption Contest Commentary. This is my sixteenth mention there.

February 16, 2022 Update:  The Winner

03866

The CartoonStock Caption Contest #147

I went three rounds in the CartoonStock Caption Contest #147. My submissions are shown below. The pugilistic drawing is by Liam Francis Walsh.

"I can't believe you would hit a man with glasses."
"Fine, you can have your damn baby back."
"Shouldn't you be wearing kid gloves?"

February 1, 2022 Update:  Seven-time New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest winner Lawrence Wood, in his Caption Contest Commentary, mentioned one of my entries—twice. This is the fifteenth contest in which he's chosen to remark on one of my captions.

https://www.cartoonstock.com/blog/fighting-father-caption-contest-commentary-with-lawrence-wood/

February 2, 2022 Update:  The Winner

03855

The CartoonStock Caption Contest #146

I needed to break out of the CartoonStock Caption Contest #146. My three captions are shown below. The drawing is by Drew Dernavich.

"They grow up to hate their parents so fast."
"That explains why there's no car in the driveway."
"He'll be back for the duck."

These captions hadn't quite broken out yet:

"I just don't see why she went to the escape room."
"We need to be better wardens."
"Who doesn't want out?"

January 23, 2022 Update:  The Winner

03846